It's The After

My first piece for Creative Writing. It was an imitation exercise. This hasn't been revised yet tho-

Anna Grossman

January 21, 2011

English 205-01

1.

Never promise me anything and never say forever. That’s what I always tell them. But I don’t think I ever really mean it. Not in the moment anyway.

It’s the after. The after is when I mean it the most. It’s when I regret letting you say forever.

2.

I’m always writing like this. You know, therapeutically spitting words out so I can feel some clarity in my mind. I could just talk to people about it but I’m scared. I’m scared because you’ll just end up thinking I’m crazy, in need of “help.” Again. No, I think I’ll stick with this.

3.

Feb/17/2009: Tell me Buddha, tell me Yahweh, tell me Allah. Tell me why I am the way that I am. I could ask. I could pray for an answer. But you don’t know. Maybe I was born this way. No. That’s not it. I think I am this way just because. Maybe someone thought it was funny to watch me drowning. To see me slipping away. I can’t even remember a time when everything was fine.

What does it matter anyway? Even if I asked you, you wouldn’t answer me. You never do.

4.

_______Almost exactly two years ago today we had our first kiss. Do you remember that night? We were standing on the patio. You were behind me with your arms around me. We just stood there. Stood there and looked up at the full moon in front of us. It was a few hours later that we kissed. That was almost exactly two years ago today.

5.

Feb/17/2009: You and I are not the same. I am hiding so much from the world. You could argue that everyone is. Well sure, we all wear masks. We are all lying to each other in some way or another.

The difference between me and you? I don’t remember ever being 100% genuinely happy. There has always been that tick-tock in the back of my mind. Something has always been off.

6.

I told you. I told you not too but you said it anyway. You said, “I will love you forever, I promise.”

I wish you had never said that. Because now it’s the after. And because now you’re a liar.

* Inspired by Amy Fusselman: The Pharmacist’s Mate