It's The After

My first piece for Creative Writing. It was an imitation exercise. This hasn't been revised yet tho-

Anna Grossman

January 21, 2011

English 205-01

1.

Never promise me anything and never say forever. That’s what I always tell them. But I don’t think I ever really mean it. Not in the moment anyway.

It’s the after. The after is when I mean it the most. It’s when I regret letting you say forever.

2.

I’m always writing like this. You know, therapeutically spitting words out so I can feel some clarity in my mind. I could just talk to people about it but I’m scared. I’m scared because you’ll just end up thinking I’m crazy, in need of “help.” Again. No, I think I’ll stick with this.

3.

Feb/17/2009: Tell me Buddha, tell me Yahweh, tell me Allah. Tell me why I am the way that I am. I could ask. I could pray for an answer. But you don’t know. Maybe I was born this way. No. That’s not it. I think I am this way just because. Maybe someone thought it was funny to watch me drowning. To see me slipping away. I can’t even remember a time when everything was fine.

What does it matter anyway? Even if I asked you, you wouldn’t answer me. You never do.

4.

_______Almost exactly two years ago today we had our first kiss. Do you remember that night? We were standing on the patio. You were behind me with your arms around me. We just stood there. Stood there and looked up at the full moon in front of us. It was a few hours later that we kissed. That was almost exactly two years ago today.

5.

Feb/17/2009: You and I are not the same. I am hiding so much from the world. You could argue that everyone is. Well sure, we all wear masks. We are all lying to each other in some way or another.

The difference between me and you? I don’t remember ever being 100% genuinely happy. There has always been that tick-tock in the back of my mind. Something has always been off.

6.

I told you. I told you not too but you said it anyway. You said, “I will love you forever, I promise.”

I wish you had never said that. Because now it’s the after. And because now you’re a liar.

* Inspired by Amy Fusselman: The Pharmacist’s Mate

Lame

Okay.
So here is the deal.
During week days the fact that I have no friends really doesn't bother me. In fact, I kinda like the solitude- It means I have extra time to do the homework I've been procrastinating on. BUT it's the flipping weekends. I feel so Lame. It's not even funny. Everyone else is partying. Their drinking. Having sex. Lol. Okay but really. Weekends. I feel pitiful.
I am definitely feeling sorry for myself right now.
How shall I remedy this? Well. I dont think I'll go out. Out is not really my thing. So, how about more instant Netflix and online shopping? Sounds good to me!

-beautifully broken

Aces

It's like a game of Solitaire.
Just because you can do something
doesn't mean you should.

Excerpt from my thoughts

-Beautifully Broken

The Only Exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
I'm on my way to believing

Paramore Lyrics

-Beautifully Broken

Circleing

Last night I watched an extremely cheesy movie that was almost all predictable (all except for the smallest of tidbits at the end with little importance to the actual story line). Yet somehow I think it got to me.

' What and If are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? '

I've never thought about the words 'what if', only their repercussions. If I had any courage at all I would find you. I would gallantly chase you and appear before you in that kind of moment that even the cheesiest of movies does so well. But you see- I am not courageous. In fact, I am terrified. I wish I could see 'what if' in only one light. I wish I could read in to the words only one thing: If I had done something different in the past would my present bring us closer? If I could read only this then I might be able to leave everything behind just to find you. I would be able to steal a horse and ride him all the way to you, like in my rotten day dreams. But there is always two sides to things and I can see another side to 'what if'. What if I found you, stood in front of you, let you see how much Id been through just to be there and nothing changed? What then? As much as I enjoy envisioning a happy ending to this story I can too easily see the tragedy bubbling up behind it.

Maybe you have more strength than me. Maybe you'll be the one to come find me.

When I'm driving down the road, when I'm in motion that is when I see myself running towards you. But when I'm standing still or moving slowly that is when I see you coming for me. I can see you around every corner, waiting. But as of yet, you've never actually been there. But maybe you have more strength than me. I hope you find me one day because I'll never stop waiting.

' If what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. '

- Not courageous enough and still
Beautifully Broken